I’ve spent the last 30 or so minutes going down the Emily Ratajkowski Instagram rabbit hole. Mondays AMIRITE. Oh, it’s Wednesday? Long nap, I guess. And while that will likely be the only Ratajkowski hole I’ll ever explore, I found myself drooling down my chin and mumbling to myself “Who does this chick date?” Like who does the girl who could turn Lance Bass straight choose? The possibilities are literally limitless. So I did a little investigative journalism (see, dad, I am a ‘journalist’) and found him. Now I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this guy. His name is Jeff Magid. He’s a musician. I guess. They’ve allegedly been dating since September 2014. That guy? Bagging THIS ?? THE HAT THO! And for the record, I was going to write a post about him regardless of what he looked like. Why? Because I’m a bitter asshole who can’t just respect others’ conquests and move on with his small little life. She could be canoodling with Jesus himself and I’d be like ‘cool manbun, loser. When was the last miracle you’ve done, oh ya over 2,000 years ago. P.S. Are those Teva sandals bro? EMILY HE’S NOT FOR YOU!’ If I came across a picture of her and I locking lips I’d be like ‘WHO is this fuck is–oh that’s me. Shit, I’m doughy.” You know what. More power to him. Get it bro. P.S. Lose the fucking fedora, will ya? Christ. P.P.S. Brandon caught this on Snapchat this morning. Sweet Mary and Joseph.