If you had been sitting outside anywhere in the world yesterday at around 5:45 p.m. EST, you would have heard something like this ricocheting through the air: That is the sound I have to assume David Covucci makes when his heart is broken, considering all the animal videos he posts. Obviously he’s a human being and not a sloth, but you figure after some point he’s really only putting these videos onto CoreBoobs because he connects with them on a personal level. And if you’d heard David’s sloth cry of sadness echoing around the world and had been reading CoreBoobs around the same time, you would know it’s because he found out Lindsay Lohan had gotten engaged. He tried to play it off like he was all “ LOL stupid ginger idiot with her stupid Russian boyfriend ” in his write-up – but come on. What an act. We all know he went home and flipped through his Bumble matches in the hopes of finding “The One” since “The Other One” had just been scooped out from under him. Luckily for David, it appears we’ve all been duped, as Lindsay Lohan isn’t actually engaged. According to her rep “The story is untrue and holds no merit,” which really just translates to “Lindsay realized her name hadn’t been in the news for a while and made up some bullshit about getting married, leaked it around town and then started Googling her name on repeat until she saw her name on the homepage of In Touch .” Which, in truth, is good news for Lindsay – not her fixation on finding her name in the press, but that she’s not getting married. Her boyfriend is 22 and they’ve been dating for less than a year. Then again, what do I know? I’m 23, not married, not dating some Russian businessman with a stupid amount of cash in the bank and have won exactly zero notable awards. At least Lohan and I have that last one in common – plus our penchant for high-quality cocaine. Can never forget the coke with it comes to LiLo.