Girls like assholes. Not my asshole. But like dudes who are assholes. If a girl liked my asshole, they belong in a straight jacket–that thing is toxic. Disgusting. Lethal, even. But girls liking dickheads coincides with all the data I’ve collected over my 14 or so years trying to coerce girls into loving me. Chicks claim they want a gentleman the same way we claim we want anal sex–it’s all well and good in theory but when push comes to shove the debilitating fear of getting poopy dick makes the raunchiest of men reconsider. With that said, girls cherry pick the gentlemanly qualities they’re attracted to–like paying the dinner bill, being cordial and engaging with her parents, watching episodes of Girls while pretending that seeing Lena Dunham naked is a brave act of body positivity rather than an assault on the eyes. Navigating when and when not to be an asshole is the trick. You need to ying and yang your asshole to gentleman ratio. I suggest the next time you’re spitting game to a girl at the bar tell her to shut the fuck up, then follow it up with ‘just kidding you’re beautiful. Cover all bases. Make sure to tell me how the sex is.