Sex isn’t necessarily as graceful as it looks in the movies. In film you see people frolicking in bed and arching their backs like gymnasts, in real life you get puddles of bodily fluids forming on your sheets and your girlfriend can’t do a split to save her goddamn life. Redditor headbanginCJ had to find this out the hard way, as a quick romp between the sheets landed him and his girl in the hospital after he tried to get his Brad Pitt on:
So I’ve just finished my first year at university meaning that a lot of drinking has been taking place recently. Last night was the first night that all of my flat mates who had not gone home yet would not be drinking and so we decided to have a ‘games’ night. The girlfriend of one of the guys taking part in this night was due to arrive at ours after picking up a few things from the shops, however, after being persuaded a little too easily we decided to ask for her to get some drinks on the way over. And so, after 20 minutes the five of us (one of whom I have slept with before, we’ll call her Eve) are all sat around the table, ready for a quiet, relaxing evening.
All is going well and everyone is having an enjoyable game of Articulate. After a few rounds of this we turn our attention to the card game President, at which point everyone is well on their way to earning a fairly large hangover the next morning. Now, for those who have never played president, this game is made up of a series of rounds with slow progression for those lower down the rankings, so it requires a good amount of investment to be worthwhile in comparison to other card games. Four shots of Tequila, 25cl of vodka and three cans of Special Brew later (an 8% lager) it’s fair to say that this investment had all but worn off for everyone and most of us were getting pretty tired. I took to bed as did most others soon after (I have a habit of getting very sleepy when drunk) and proceeded to do what any other stupid teenager would do. Message Eve. And of course a few minutes later we’re naked in my bed together.
Next thing I know we’re doing the business and we arrive at a point with Eve on top of me. Being the controlling and over confident person I am I soon decided that these roles must be reversed and proceed to pick Eve up, performing (in theory) the old 180. I completely over estimated the amount of effort needed for this. Next thing I know we’re toppling over away from my bed on a direct collision course for my desk. But there was no pain, at least for me. I look over and notice blood already trickling down the right side of Eve’s face. Within seconds I could see what I could only describe as a slight cut on the back of her head (at this point I was extremely drunk, struggling to focus on anything) and so the obvious choice was to shower and wait for the bleeding to stop. It didn’t. There was blood all over her body, shower, floor and a lot of other items (I’m looking at a huge stain of blood on my floor right now). By this time I had mustered the intelligence to realise that we had to go to hospital.
Seven hours, five stitches and a bit of glue later she was all packed up in her car ready to drive home for the summmer. Meanwhile I’m fast asleep covered in blood, looking like I had just murdered someone.